5 Ways to Cope With An Avoidant Partner
How to handle it if your partner seems to need less intimacy than you do.
SOCIAL DYNAMICS
If it feels like your partner is craving less closeness than you do, it can make your relationship feel tough. They may come across as distant or uninterested, leaving you wondering if they really want you in their life.
But usually, it's not as bleak as it seems. There might be several reasons behind their distant behaviour. They could be dealing with past issues from critical or neglectful parents, they might be naturally shy or introverted, they might be struggling with trust in the relationship, or they could just be trying to cope in their own way.
If you try to see things from their perspective, it might be easier to understand their behaviour. They're probably just doing their best to handle their own struggles.
What does it mean when a partner pulls away?
You might notice that sometimes, a person may seem like they're not keen on getting too close, even though deep down, they might still want a strong emotional connection with you.
Psychologists say that this tendency can trace its roots back to earlier life experiences. After all, the way we learn to attach and form expectations of others starts in childhood.
‘‘If your partner acts like this, it's quite possible that experiences from their past made them wary of relying too much on others.’’
Their reaction could include keeping a certain distance or feeling anxious when the relationship starts to feel too cosy or close.
How can you cope?
Being in a relationship with someone who has the tendency to avoid emotional connection can be emotionally draining and make even the most securely attached people feel insecure.
Still, if your partner is someone you love and care about, then you probably want to make the relationship work.
There are a few things that you can do to cope with an avoidant partner.
Try to identify the feelings your partner brings up in you
While being with an avoidant partner can be strenuous, it also gives you a chance to look at the reactions it brings up in you.
Are they meeting your needs? What part of the way they’re acting is most frustrating for you?
Sometimes people are attracted to avoidant people not despite their flaws, but because of them. Trying to understand where your negative reactions are coming from can help you identify feelings that are negative reminders of your own past, like feeling unloved, dismissed, or rejected.
Acknowledging these triggers is the first step to working through them.
Try to have patience and take the relationship step by step
Recognise that for your partner, relationships can feel frightening. Over time they may have learned to be self-reliant to the extreme.
It’s not that they don’t love you. It just may be more difficult for them to get their loving messages across than it would be for someone who finds connecting emotionally more natural.
And trust doesn’t always come easy either. So try to be patient with them. Think about small ways that can help you build trust together over time, like being consistent with your words and actions.
Validate their need for independence by focusing on your own life and hobbies outside of the relationship
When you fall in love, it can be easy to slip into a relationship and let friends, hobbies, and other priorities fall by the wayside, but it’s never a bad time to reflect on your own life and how you can improve it. Plus, by focusing energy on yourself, you give your partner the space they need.
Set boundaries and make your needs and feelings clear
You hear it all the time, and that’s because it’s true– communication is important. Your partner can’t read your mind, and subtle hints aren’t usually enough to get your point across. If, after reflecting, you’ve determined that the way your partner is behaving is making you feel bad, it’s important to tell them clearly and honestly.
When you go to them with your needs, have a clear idea of the positive need you want to be met in mind. Do you want them to tell you they love you more? That’s a reasonable request! If you have a complaint, try to match that with a positive need that would address it. That way, they have some direction.
If all else fails, seek therapy
Therapy can be a very helpful tool, especially when it comes to emotional avoidance.
If your partner isn’t willing to work on the things that they do that contribute to your relationship problems, then it may be time to say goodbye. At the end of the day, it takes two to tango.
The truth is, your partner may be doing the best they can in the relationship, and sometimes that’s not good enough. If you’ve made an effort to express your needs clearly time and time again, and nothing has changed, then it may be time to grieve the relationship and find someone who is better suited to you and your needs.
Remember that growth and change are possible in almost all relationships as long as both partners are willing to make those changes and put forth an effort. If remaining together and working on your relationship is a priority for both of you, then avoidant behaviour is something you can overcome together!
Sources:
-Tu E, Maxwell J, et. al. (2022) Is my attachment style showing? Perceptions of a date’s attachment anxiety and avoidance and dating interest during a speed-dating event. Journal of Research in Personality.
-Simpson, J. A.(1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
