Dating Someone With ADHD
It can certainly be challenging, but with some knowledge, it can also make your relationship unique and special
CURRENT AFFAIRS
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders. A survey in the US shows that up to 4.5% of adults have it, and it’s characterised by high levels of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.
Just like any other neurodevelopmental disorder, ADHD can be very challenging for the person experiencing it. But their symptoms can also be particularly tricky when it comes to relationships.
ADHD usually doesn’t go unnoticed
Although people with ADHD can live perfectly normal lives, their condition usually doesn’t go unnoticed by their partners. Getting easily distracted in the middle of a conversation, forgetting important information, or making careless decisions are some of the ways in which ADHD can show up in a relationship.
All these quirks can add up with time, and can leave those who date someone with ADHD feeling unnoticed, unappreciated, or frustrated.
“More than 90% of people dating someone with ADHD say their partner’s condition interferes with their everyday functioning, and that they have to end up compensating for it.’’
Dating someone with ADHD can sometimes mean taking on a bit more of the day-to-day tasks, from helping out more with housework to managing schedules. Communication might need an extra sprinkle of patience and understanding too.
This can come with a cost to the relationship. ADHD symptoms are associated with lower intimacy and relationship satisfaction, and higher rates of conflict and divorce. However, challenging as it may be, ADHD brings far more to relationships than this data implies.
People with ADHD are frequently loving, fun, and unique partners
In a recent survey, people who date someone with ADHD were asked what they love about their partners. And what they had to say was truly heart-touching.
Intelligence, kindness, sense of humour, creativity and spontaneity were some of the words that kept showing up.
People with ADHD are described as having a thrill for life and a unique and special way of seeing the world. They’re usually empathic and caring, excellent gift-givers, and passionate partners. They have a spark of cleverness, and an ability to be present in the moment that can make their relationships feel thrilling and exciting at every turn.
So, even though ADHD symptoms can put pressure on a relationship, they can also make it a completely unique and fulfilling journey. It all comes down to managing the symptoms and working through them as a team.
Your partner is not defined by their ADHD
Using labels can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, an ADHD diagnosis can bring clarity and a direction to follow. But each of us is unique, and a label can never capture everything about who we are.
So, here are some useful tips for dealing with your partner’s ADHD as a team:
Say how you feel
Don’t let the negative feelings get bottled up. If some of your partner's inattentive or hyperactive behaviours are making you feel unheard, unappreciated or frustrated, say it. It’s important to communicate these feelings to your partner, and not let them build up and put distance in your relationship.
Don’t take it personally
If someone gets distracted while you’re talking to them, forgets a special date, or doesn’t follow up on their word, it’s easy to take it personally.
Keep in mind that, most often, someone with ADHD doesn’t choose to do these things, it’s a symptom of their condition. And if those daily things make you feel unnoticed, try to remember all the things that make you feel loved and cared for. You may find that they outweigh those occasional slips, and that putting them in perspective helps
Plan and organise
A post-it note, an alarm, a to-do list, or a weekly calendar can make a big difference for someone with ADHD. By paying a bit more attention to daily planning and organising you can avoid some of those involuntary but annoying mistakes. Just approach it from a place of love and empathy.
Make it a team effort
Relationships are a two-way street, and your partner has just as much responsibility in trying as you do. So, it’s important to encourage them to look for ways in which they can deal with their ADHD constructively. If you’d like to know about specific things your partner can do, you can check our blog post: “Your ADHD and your relationship: Making them work together.”
Still, if either of you feel like you don’t have the tools to work it out on your own, you can always look for professional help. A trained psychologist can help you deal with ADHD as a team, and prevent it from taking a toll on your relationship.
Enjoy the nice parts
Yes, ADHD can be a challenge, but there are countless couples out there making it work. So follow their example, celebrate the small achievements, and don’t be afraid to build a special and one-of-a-kind relationship.
Sources:
-Wymbs, B. T., Canu, W. H., Sacchetti, G. M., & Ranson, L. M. (2021). Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy
-What I Love Most About You (and Your ADHD, Too). Additude magazine
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/loving-someone-with-adhd-positive-qualities/
