How To Make Your ADHD And Your Relationship Work Together

ADHD is a common neurodevelopmental disorder that can affect many aspects of someone’s life. And relationships are no exception. ADHD symptoms like not paying attention, being hyperactive, or acting on impulse can make things challenging for any pair.

However, there are ways to overcome these issues –and plenty of couples are succeeding at it. It all comes down to identifying how ADHD affects you and your partner, how it can interfere with your relationship, and what you can do about it.

First, let’s acknowledge the way ADHD can make you feel in a relationship 

Many people with ADHD report that their partners often come across as over-controlling, attempting to micromanage everything, which can feel suffocating. There’s even a common expression for this feeling: it’s as if they were treated like a child.

“Being treated like a child can feel disrespectful, contemptuous, and exasperating”

But before you put all the blame on your partner, you might do well to look at things from their perspective. When you understand how ADHD affects your relationship, you can get to the bottom of those nagging feelings. And that’s the best way to figure out what you and your partner can do about it.

Inattention: the daily distractions that end up piling up

Getting easily distracted, procrastinating, forgetting or leaving things undone might be normal for you. You’ve probably incorporated those things into your life, finding strategies and methods to overcome them. But your partner likely hasn’t.

Your partner, out of concern or their own desire for order, might try to compensate for what they see as inattention. So what do they do? People who date someone with ADHD tend to respond to that inattention by staying on top of things. They might take on more than their share of the housework, assume they’re the ones who have to do all the planning for daily activities, or even decide to check and remind you of things you have to do for yourself.

This can explain that “over-controlling” sensation you might have felt. But how does it look from their perspective?

It can be extremely frustrating when you zone out of a conversation when you forget a date, don’t follow up on your word, or leave your share of the house chores undone. It can quickly make your partner feel unimportant, unheard, and even unloved.

So, any steps you take towards dealing with that inattention will make a big difference. 

If you’re starting to zone out during a conversation, ask your partner to repeat themselves and show interest. If you’ve missed your last two dates together, set as many reminders and alarms as you need to make sure you make the third one. 

And if the “over-controlling” feelings are starting to get you, then talk to your partner! Explain how you feel, but do it from a place of love and empathy.

Hyperactivity: the other side of the coin

You might get easily distracted from certain things, but when you find something that interests you, you’re able to hyperfocus on it as if it were a superhuman skill.

Still, hyperactivity can have unwanted consequences when it gets out of hand. If you can’t put your phone away during dinner, or you snap at your partner because they interrupted while you were reading a book, it can quickly become a problem.

When those things happen, your partner can feel they’re not as interesting as whatever you’re doing.

So, a good idea is to avoid things that you’re likely to hyperfocus on around meal times, before going to bed, or during quality time together. Plus, you can also use alarms or apps that track and limit the time you spend on the Internet and social media.

But that’s not all there is to hyperactivity. If you apply it in a useful way, it can even be quite helpful. 

If you love doing crafts or you’re into painting, why not make something special for your partner? Or perhaps there’s one house chore you particularly enjoy at the moment, like vacuuming while playing music, so you could offer to do that even if it’s not your turn. It’s all about directing that creative energy a bit better.